Choosing the Church Despite Being Hurt By the Church

Growing up, I went to kid’s ministry on Saturdays with my grandmother. A well deserved break for my parents, and fun afternoons of games and bonding with my grandma. A couple years—and many fervent invites from her—later, my parents joined church too.

In 2009, at 13 years old, I was baptized. Since then, I served in every ministry that would let me. And so did my parents. And eventually my brother. To say we were involved in church would be an understatement.

The more you go to a place, the better you’ll know it—and its people. For better and for worse. In due time, I realized that the people I’d looked up to for most of my life were just that: people. And people will fail. They will say things and do things that you will not understand. Things that will hurt.

I’ve been through my own set of hurts with the church. Some big and some small. Some that drove me away for entire seasons. But God will never forsake his children, and he brought me back home.

Now, at 29, I look back and think of that younger version of me. How broken everything felt. How the way back seemed impossible. But most importantly, how crucial it was for me to have brothers and sisters who loved me and walked all the way back with me, however long that took. 

If I were to have a gospel conversation with my younger self today—or with anyone who’s been hurt by the church in any way—these are the things I would keep in mind.

Be Patient

Don’t expect to fix years of pain within five minutes. Whatever they went through probably took longer than that, and has hurt them for even longer. Them opening up and telling you what they went through will take time. It will probably take more than one single conversation.

We’re called to “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). So, listen and weep with them. Acknowledge their pain, walk with them through their suffering. And when you’re in the 15th conversation, and it feels like no progress has been made, rest in knowing that God is using these conversations for his purposes.

Be Kind

“My issue isn’t with God, it’s with Church people.” I get it. Many Christians have a very Peter-wielding-his-sword-to-cut-off-an-ear kind of way of approaching those hurt by the Church. And, in a way, I also get that. We feel some sort of need to defend Jesus and the Church from these horrible and incorrect things some might be saying.

Understand that their current view of Jesus and the Church is tainted by hurtful past experiences with people who did things in the name of Jesus, in ways Jesus never would. Also, know that Jesus can take the mean comments and forgive them (and so should we).

Now’s your turn to show them, not just with your words but with your actions too, who Jesus is: someone who’s gentle and humble, who came to serve and not to be served, and who will walk with them through the storm. Jesus’ ego isn’t fragile, and we don’t need to be either.

Be Faithful

Don’t take the first two points as me saying you should dilute the gospel message in any way. We’re being mindful of how we’re delivering the message, but we’re not changing what we’re saying. 

This particular point was the game changer for me. 

I knew Jesus. I knew what he was like. The dissonance came in when I saw his people not walk like he would, saying that was how he walked. But once these faithful brothers and sisters, who loved me, came to walk alongside me with patience and kindness, like Jesus would, things started to change.

If that was my experience, as a believer, as someone who knew Jesus, imagine having your only notion of who he is be exclusively rooted in a hurtful experience. Your concept of who Jesus is would be completely distorted. Let’s choose to be patient and kind and faithful when trying to build bridges with people who’ve been hurt by the Church.

To seal this letter, I would add: It’s not your job to change their mind, heal their hearts, and happily bring them back to church. If God so wills it, and our hope is that he does, the Spirit will do the work within them and they will come back in due time. Your task is to keep having these conversations, to keep making Jesus truly known, as he is, meek and lowly in heart. He is close to those who are hurt, he is seeking to comfort them, to restore them and reconcile them to himself. We should be, as well.