A Better Way: On Spouses and Speech

What we’re about to read is actually only two verses from Jesus on that topic, so this is not exhaustive teaching from him, like we even see in other parts of the Bible, but let’s listen to his words through the lens of his love for us and consider what they mean for our lives.

Matthew 5:31, “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman, commits adultery.”

So Jesus starts here with the same language that we’re seeing at different points in the Sermon, like anger or lust. He says, “It has been said this, but I say to you that.” So just a reminder, all throughout the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus is saying, “I have a better way.” The world, even the religious world as it was operating in Jesus’s day, had a certain way of approaching these issues. Jesus is saying, “But I have a better way that leads to your good.” Think about the context of where this Sermon started, with blessing and true life, and not just for you, but good for others as you’re a salt and light in the world. So in all these issues, Jesus is saying, “I have a better way than this world.”

Honor the Marriage Covenant

So if you’re taking notes, here’s how I would summarize these two verses. Jesus is saying, “In a world where divorce is common, do all you can to honor the marriage covenant.”

“In a world where divorce is common, do all you can to honor the marriage covenant.” So Jesus quotes here in Matthew 5 from Deuteronomy 24. So if you want to, you can turn there. I’ll put it up here on the screen. God’s law in the Old Testament to his people said this, Deuteronomy 24:1, “When a man takes a wife and marries her, if she then finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house and she departs out of his house.”

Now, we could keep going on in this passage, but to summarize what’s happening here because of sin in people’s hearts that led to divorce, God gave instructions to make sure the divorced person is cared for. But by the New Testament, centuries after this had been written, the religious leaders and people had basically taken these instructions from God’s law and turned them into license for divorce for any number of reasons.

Which is why later in the book of Matthew, so if you turn back to Matthew, you go all the way to Matthew 19, the Pharisees, the religious leaders of Jesus’s day, come to Jesus, and listen to what they ask him, Matthew 19:3. Pharisees came up to him and tested him by saying, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” So that’s what they’re asking him. “What do you think about divorce for any cause, for any reason?” And that’s when Jesus starts talking to them about the beauty of the covenant of marriage. In verse four He says, “‘Have you not read that He created them from the beginning, made them male and female,’ and said, ‘Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother, hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they’re no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Jesus says, “You guys are infatuated with divorce. You should be infatuated with marriage.” Then listen to what He says in verse … or what happened in verse seven. They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and send her away?” That’s quoting again from Deuteronomy 24, which we just read, but notice how the people and leaders had taken this allowance for divorce in the Old Testament and turned it into a common command to employ whenever a husband wanted to send his wife away. And Jesus looks at them, He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives. But from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another, commits adultery.”

So that’s very similar to what we just read in Matthew 5. And what Jesus is saying here is, “Guys, divorce was not God’s design from the beginning. It’s a result of the hardness of your hearts.” And with rare exceptions, which we’ll talk about in a minute, it actually leads to adultery, to more sin in your life.

So when you put this together, what we read in Matthew 5, well, if you’re taking notes, here are three truths about marriage and divorce that Jesus is highlighting here that we see all over the Bible. 

God designed marriage for our good and the display of the gospel.

One, God designs marriage to be a beautiful, exclusive, permanent, complete union of a man and woman for our good, and the display of the gospel. So that’s a loaded sentence, but every word is important. Our God designs marriage from the very beginning of creation.

And what Jesus is quoting from in Matthew 19 is Genesis 2, the second chapter in the Bible, where, “A man shall leave his father and mother, hold fast to his wife, they’ll become one flesh and adjoining together before God that nothing but death should separate.” And even as the Bible defines marriage this way, I realize that some of you who are visiting may define marriage another way, and I just want you to know that we honor and respect you and we believe there is a way for us to be in genuine, loving friendship with you, even as we disagree with you about marriage.

Because we believe that from the very beginning of creation, God himself designed marriage a certain way.

And we believe we don’t have the right to redefine what God has defined.

And we don’t want to redefine it because we trust that God’s ways are better than our ways.

And that his ways are good for all of us and good for the world we live in. So the Bible teaches that God designs marriage to be a beautiful, exclusive, so one man, one woman, permanent, that does not separate until death does its part, complete union. Like at every level, one flesh, physically, spiritually, emotionally, uniting of your life with someone that is for our good.

Not that everyone has to be married in order to experience good. Back in Matthew 19, Jesus actually goes on to talk about the goodness of singleness. But the point is, marriage is designed by God for the good of a husband and a wife and the good of the world. It is good for the world when marriages are thriving according to God’s design.

And marriage is a display of the gospel. So for anybody who’s not familiar with that term “gospel,” this is a reference to the good news that God loves every one of us and has made each of us for a personal relationship with him, to find life in relationship with God himself.

The problem is every one of us has turned aside from God and his ways to ourselves and our own ways. The Bible calls this sin. It looks different in all of our lives, but we’ve all sinned against God. Our sin separates us from God, and if we die in this state of separation from God and our sin, we’ll spend eternity in judgment due our sin. But the good news of the Bible is that God loves us and has not left us in this state of separation from him. God has come to us in the person of Jesus. Jesus has lived a life of no sin. And then even though He had no sin for which to die, He chose to die on a cross to pay the price for your sin and my sin.

Jesus died on the cross for our sins. And then the good news keeps getting better because He didn’t stay dead for long. Three days later, He rose from the grave in victory over sin and death so that anyone, anywhere, no matter who you are, no matter what you have done, if you will trust in Jesus and his love for you, then God will forgive you of all your sin and restore you to a relationship with him now and for all of eternity.

That is the gospel. And what’s interesting is, we don’t have time to turn there, if you want to you can write down, Ephesians 5:22-33 talk about how God’s whole design of marriage from the very beginning was to illustrate the gospel. That a husband should love his wife and lay down his life to serve her in a way that shows the world Jesus’s loving, lay-down-your-life sacrifice to serve his church. And in a wife’s love for her husband, the world will see a picture of the church’s love for Jesus. It’s all designed as a display of the gospel.

And the point is, God’s people were totally missing all of this as Jesus was saying these words because they were infatuated with divorce and reasons for divorce and procedures for divorce. And Jesus is saying, “You’ve missed the whole point. Be infatuated with the beauty of marriage.” 

God Regulates Divorce

Realizing that, so now here’s the second truth, because of sin in our hearts that leads to brokenness in marriage, God regulates divorce. So God acknowledges that because of sin in this world, in our hearts, divorce happens, which leads to two grounds that God’s Word gives for divorce.

One is mentioned here in Matthew 5, “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery.” And the word here for sexual immorality in light of the context of marriage is most likely a reference to the violation of the one flesh union of marriage that happens when a husband or wife gives their body to someone else outside of the marriage covenant. So adultery would be the picture that Jesus is mentioning here as an exception for divorce.

Then later in the book of 1 Corinthians 7 in the Bible, we studied this before, we read about a situation where a wife is following Jesus but her husband is not. And he wants a divorce, so he leaves her. And the Bible says, “If the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such a case, the brother or sister in Christ in that relationship is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” So we might say the second exception that Jesus mentions here for … the Bible mentions here for divorce is abandonment.

Now these two exceptions, adultery and abandonment, don’t mean that there are also scores of other issues that need to be seriously addressed in marriage. Take abuse for example. God’s Word makes clear that abuse is evil. God definitely does not want anyone to stay in an abusive situation. No spouse or child should be in a home with someone who jeopardizes their safety.

And I, we as the church, implore any spouse, any child in any situation like that, to report that to proper authorities whom God is set up, Romans 13, as government to help protect you. And if you’re unsure how to do that, reach out to a trusted leader here in our church. We can help you toward that end. We would urge you to remove yourself from any, all danger. If you need a place to start, just reach out to counseling and mcleanbible.org, we’ll connect with you from there.

God is a Restorer for Everyone who Trusts in Him

Again, there are so many circumstances and so much more we could discuss here that’s not covered in these two verses in Matthew 5. But I do want to add this third truth behind what Jesus is saying here that the Bible clearly teaches, and that’s this, that God is a redeemer, restorer, reconciler, helper, and healer for everyone who trusts in him.

The Bible is clear that God has power to redeem, restore, reconcile, help, and heal marriages that are broken when a husband and a wife trust in him.

Part of what was revolutionary about Jesus’s teaching about divorce was He wasn’t even saying that adultery must mean divorce. That whole passage, this whole passage of Matthew 5, is preceded by beatitudes that talk about being merciful and making peace. By the grace of God, there is supernatural power to forgive deep wounds in marriage. There’s power to experience new marriage when both spouses trust in God.

At the same time. There are situations where a husband or a wife is not trusting in God, and this is where God’s Word says to anyone who is not trusting in God, stop trusting in yourself. Humble yourself before God today, knowing that God loves you and wants your good. And even though you may not have the desire right now even to honor your marriage covenant, it is worth it for you, for your spouse, for your children, if you have them, don’t give up. In a world where divorce is common, do all you can to honor the marriage covenant.

And at the same time, in a world where there are situations when a husband or a wife will not work to honor the marriage covenant and will leave a spouse alone, for every brother, sister in Christ in this situation know that even when you do all you can to honor the marriage covenant and your spouse still leaves you, know, brother or sister, that you are not alone. That the Redeemer, Restorer, Reconciler, Helper, and Healer is still with you and for you.

He loves you so much. He will never, ever, ever leave you. Jesus will never betray your trust in him and Jesus will never ever abandon you.

And we as the church want to be a picture … Church, let’s be a picture of that kind of love for each other in every way we can be. So this is the better way in the world. Hear God saying to every husband and every wife in this gathering, love your spouse well today. It’s the word of God to do the daily work that’s needed to honor the marriage covenant, the design of God for marriage, for your good, for your spouse’s good, and for the display of the gospel. And to every single brother or sister, don’t act like you’re married. Don’t join yourself in one flesh union to someone who is not your husband or wife. Honor the covenant of marriage and singleness or in a future marriage.

Which then leads to Jesus’s second teaching that we’re looking at today that actually relates to this. So follow along, verse 33, Jesus says again, “You’ve heard there was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’ But I say to you, do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it’s the throne of God, or by the earth, for is its footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it’s the city of the Great King. Do not take an oath by your head for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Anything more than this comes from evil.”

So it’s interesting to think about the correlation between these verses and what Jesus taught on marriage. Jesus is saying, when you say, “I love you and I commit my life to you in marriage,” do all you can to keep your word. And obviously not just in marriage. The background here is that there were many instances of people swearing, which by the way is not cussing, so swearing here is like somebody’s testifying in court and they swear to tell the truth.

And in the Old Testament, there are times when God himself makes oaths and others do the same. And there were instructions all throughout the Old Testament about taking oaths. But the problem is over time, those oaths had actually turned into excuses for lying when you didn’t make a certain oath. So people would say, “Well, I didn’t swear by heaven, so I’m not as accountable for what I said. If I’d sworn by heaven, then I’d be accountable for telling the truth.” And Jesus says, “What in the world are you doing?” Your yes should mean yes, and you no, no, regardless of who or what you swear by. You don’t have to swear by anything.

Do all you can to make your every word trustworthy.

So here’s the takeaway from Jesus’s teaching, the better way. In a world where truth is hard to find, do all you can to make your every word trustworthy. Maybe another way to put it in 21st century American political election season terms, in a world of fake news, in fact-checking, where truth is sacrificed at every turn on the altar of what will get clicks or what will cause controversy, and truth does not matter as long as it promotes someone’s agenda, Jesus says, :No, not among my people. At all times, in small moments in your life and significant moments in your life, do all you can to make your every word trustworthy.

Now, a couple of notes here, some people in the history of the church have used these verses from Jesus to refuse to testify in court under oath. But in addition to all the examples of oaths and God and others in the Old Testament, when we look in the New Testament, we actually see Jesus before He was crucified, standing before the high priest, who said to him, “I charge you under oath by the living God, tell us if you are the Messiah, the Son of God.” “You have said it,” Jesus told him.

And there are other times when Jesus uses language that emphasizes the truth of what he’s saying. Right before what we read, we looked at this a few weeks ago, Matthew 5:18. “For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will the pass from the Law until everything is accomplished.” That obviously doesn’t mean that what Jesus said at other times wasn’t true, but this one is true.

Jesus is not saying it’s wrong to emphasize the truth of something or even necessarily to take an oath, but it is wrong to depend on that to tell the truth. We should always at all times speak what is true, no matter how we might preface that or not. In every circumstance, small or big, make our words trustworthy. And this is so important for us. In a world where not only in conversations but in social media, if we’re not careful, we can see or hear something online, automatically assume it’s true, because if it’s online it must be true. And with a touch of a button we can affirm it or pass it on like it’s true, when it may not be. And just like that, our words are contributing to the destructive power of lies.

We see this in the Bible, specifically the need to combat lies and defend truth in the church. Just read through the letters in the New Testament, particularly by Paul. There are numerous times when people were spreading things about Paul that questioned his integrity, that accused him of lying. Listen to the 2 Corinthians 1:23, Paul writes, “I call God to witness against me. It was to spare you that I refrained from coming again to Corinth.” That sounds like an oath, doesn’t it?

Then 2 Corinthians 11:31, he says, “The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, He was blessed forever, knows I am not lying.” Galatians 1:20, “In what I’m writing to you, before God, I do not lie.” Romans 9:1, “I am speaking the truth in Christ. I am not lying. My conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit.” 1 Timothy 2:7, “For this I was appointed a preacher and an apostle. I am telling the truth, I am not lying, a teacher of the Gentiles and faith and truth.”

I read these verses and I think about how times in recent years, when falsehoods have spread in and about our church that are so destructive, as we mimic a larger culture where falsehoods spread about people like wildfire, apparently this is not a new thing. And Jesus says, “Here’s a better way. Do all you can to be trustworthy.” Even in the smallest, most insignificant, seemingly insignificant things you say, speak truth about your life, speak truth about others’ lives, about brothers and sisters in Christ, in the church. Do not slander a brother or sister. In Christ, go to them.

If you ever have questions about anything in the church, please, by all means go to one of our pastors. And in this culture, do not join in this world of being so quick to believe and spread anything you hear about other people or things. Your words matter. In a world where truth is hard to find, do all you can to make your every word trustworthy.

And some of you might think, “Well, I don’t know if we’re that bad,” or some of you might think, “We’re a lot farther … like worse,” but either way, I hope you hear God in his love for you saying, “Let’s get this right. This is worth the work.” I just want to encourage you, if you are married and either of your spouse is thinking … either you or your spouse right now is thinking, “We need to do something, we need to take some steps to work toward restoration,” and just restoring the joy of marriage, then I want to encourage both of you to take those steps. And don’t resist what God and his grace and his mercy saying right now. Don’t let pride keep you from doing all you can to honor the marriage covenant. And trust that long shots lead to glorious stories of redemption and grace.

And at the same time, I know there are others of you who in one sense maybe wish you could go back and change this or that, but maybe divorce is final or … There’s so many different circumstances. And I know that the adversary would actually like to use Ishmael and Amy’s story to discourage you further to say, “Well, that’s good for them, but it doesn’t apply to you,” or, “You’re beyond redemption.” And I want you to know that is not coming from the Spirit of God, that’s coming from the pit of hell. You are never beyond redemption.

And sure, different stories of redemption play out differently. And I certainly can’t promise this or that is going to play out in your life, but I guarantee you this, you trust in the Redeemer, the Reconciler, the Restorer, the Healer, and the Helper, and He will do immeasurably more than all you can ask or imagine to write a story of redemption in your life. Trust in him.

And I say that because of a much greater covenant than even the covenant of marriage, God has entered into covenant relationship with all who trust in the blood of Jesus. He has sealed your relationship with him and He promises to be your Redeemer, to be your Restorer, to be your Helper, to be your Healer, your Lover, your Leader, your Guider, every step of the way, to never leave you or forsake you, to walk with you. All the way until one day He brings you home in what Bible describes heaven as a wedding feast, celebrating union with God, your Father, through Jesus Christ, his Son.

Two Questions to Reflect on About your Marriage

So I want to lead you to him for the next couple of moments. And however his Word is landing on your heart, and I’m going to give you a couple of questions to reflect on, but don’t let these limit you, there’s just many different ways you might pray in response to what we’ve looked at today and heard from Jesus. But here’s a couple of questions.

One, how is God calling you to honor the covenant of marriage? And this question’s for all of us. So if you are happily married, how’s God calling you to strengthen marriage in deeper ways? Or if you are struggling in marriage, what steps is God calling you to take to work on your marriage? And if your spouse is unwilling to help, how can you look to other brothers and sisters in the church to come alongside you and help you as you walk this journey?

I would say even if you’re single right now, how can you honor the covenant of marriage in our culture and pray for and help protect and nurture marriages around you? How’s God calling you to honor the covenant of marriage in this world according to Jesus’s Word? And then, how’s God calling you to grow in the trustworthiness of your every word? Examine your heart. Are there small or significant ways that you have grown casual with truth, or you’re prone to be casual with truth?

Observation: What does this passage say?

1) Read Matthew 5:31–37 aloud as a group. Let group members share observations. Try not to move into interpretation of the passage or application of what you read quite yet. Simply share what you observe.

• What does the passage say about Divorce? Matthew 5:31
• What does the passage reveal about remarriage? Matthew 5:32,
• What does the OT cautions about making an oath? Leviticus 19:12; Matthew 5:33–36 
• What did Jesus emphasize about telling the truth? Matthew 5:37

2) How would you summarize Matthew 5:31–37?

Interpretation: What does the passage mean?

1) What does Jesus communicate about Marriage? 

• What is God’s design for marriage? Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4–7
• What does God’s design for marriage depict? Ephesians 5:22–28
• How is God’s design for marriage countercultural?

2) What did the Jews misunderstand about the law of divorce? Duet 24:1–4; Matthew 19:3

3) Why did Jesus say that the Mosaic law allowed divorce? Mark 10:5, Matthew 19:8

4) Why does God hate divorce? Malachi 2:15–16

5) What are other biblical grounds for divorce beyond Matthew 5:32? 1 Corinthians 7:11–12

• What about the abused? What is God’s heart for the oppressed? Psalm 82:3–4, Micah 2:1; Jeremiah 50:33–34

6) What does it mean that “anything beyond Yes and No is evil”? – Matthew 5:37; James 5:12

7) How does scripture calls followers of Jesus to live with integrity? Eccl 5:5, Ephesians 4:25

Application: How can we apply this passage to our lives?

1) How is God calling those that are married to honor the covenant of marriage?

• If you’re happily married, how is God calling you to strengthen your marriage in deeper ways to display the gospel?
• If you’re struggling in marriage, what steps is God calling you to take to work on your marriage?
• And if your spouse is unwilling to help, how can your Church Group, or others in the church, come alongside you and be of help to you?
• How can your Church Group pray for you? 

2) How is God calling singles/divorcees/widows to honor the covenant of marriage?

• How can you (along with married couples) honor the covenant of marriage in our culture, praying for and helping protect and nurture marriages around you?
• How can your Church Group pray for you? 

3) How is God calling you to grow in the trustworthiness of your every word?

• Examine your heart…are there small, or significant, ways you have grown casual or flippant with truth?
• How often do you find yourself exaggerating or underplaying the truth? 
• In what ways are you tempted to assume stories are true (e.g., social media, online or gossip) and participate in spreading false narrative? 
• How difficult is it for you to keep your “Yes” as “Yes” and “No” as “No”? How can you safeguard your word?
• Is there anything you need to repent or make right with or about someone else?
• How can your Church Group pray for you? 

4) In light of this week’s sermon, how is the Lord calling you and your Church Group to turn from the way of this world to experience the better way of Jesus.

Matthew 5:31-37 ESV

Divorce

31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Oaths

33 “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’34 But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. 

 Sermon Recap

1. In a world where divorce is common, do all you can to honor the marriage covenant.

• God designs marriage to be a beautiful, exclusive, complete, permanent union of a man and woman for our good and for the display of the gospel.
• God hates divorce
• God regulates divorce.
• God is a Redeemer, Restorer, Reconciler, Helper, and Healer for everyone who trusts in him.

2. In a world where truth is hard to find, do all you can to make your every word trustworthy.

• Speak truth about others and do not slander 
• Do not join the world in being quick to believe and spread anything you hear about people or things.