“Same team.” Early in marriage, my husband and I were encouraged to say these words when conflict escalated. In the frustrating and conflict-laden moments that every marriage faces, it is easy to see ourselves as pitted against our beloved. But a perspective-shifting few words can be a powerful reminder that in God’s design, we can take on the difficulties of life, including the difficulties of our own sin, together. Seeing your spouse as your teammate instead of your opponent is critical to weathering storms well together, no matter where you live or what God calls you to do.
But for those preparing to go to the field, it is critical to consider the unique pressures that your marriage will face as the two of you set off into the great unknown. My encouragement is to take some time to prayerfully consider how you relate to your teammate as a spouse, friend, and partner, looking for helpful and unhelpful patterns that may affect your life overseas.
How Do You Treasure Your Spouse?
There are wonderful ways in which marriage is a unique relationship unlike any other in our lives. As you prepare to go to the field, consider whether the two of you are relating in a way that shows the world the beauty of the gospel (Ephesians 5:31–32). Below are some specific questions and encouragements that you might discuss together.
Partnered Pursuit of Jesus
How do you help each other pursue consistency in spiritual disciplines like Bible reading, prayer, solitude, and friendship? If you’re always on, something will be off. Have you grappled with the balance of guarding time and investing well? How can you ensure that both spouses get an opportunity to rest and spend quality time doing things that build them up spiritually?
Fighting Clean
Your ability to resolve conflict will be essential to your survival on the field. Do you have a track record of resolving conflict well? Can you ask for and extend forgiveness to one another? Is there a willingness to defer to each other out of reverence for Christ?
Your ability to resolve conflict will be essential to your survival on the field.
Remember that we have an enemy who loves to divide and destroy. How might you resist him by turning to Christ together?
Tenderness, Compassion and Intimacy
No matter how excited and sure you are that God is leading you overseas, you are walking into something hard. There will likely be moments of intense grief and struggle. Do you know how your spouse is most loved when they feel low? How can you move toward them with compassion and tenderness?
Consider your physical intimacy. Is it a source of connection for the two of you? Sex is a precious gift from the Lord to bring spouses together in a profound and personal way, and can be especially powerful in times of loneliness, uncertainty, and transition. If either spouse is struggling with physical intimacy, this would be a good time to get some wise, loving counsel.
How Do You Love Your Friend?
Your role as a spouse is unique in many ways, but there are also ways in which you hope to love your husband or wife in the same way you would love other friends in your life. Below are a few areas you can especially encourage one another as friends.
Sacrificed Comforts
Missions involves sacrifice, and often the sacrifice of comfort is the one that brings the most frustration. You may consider fasting together and asking the Lord to help you spiritually prepare for the removal of creature comforts.
Friendship with Others
Are you encouraging your spouse (and giving them freedom) to pursue healthy friendships outside your marriage? Both people having outside sources of accountability and encouragement will make your marriage stronger. It might also be helpful to identify your “green light” people. This is a very small pool of people that you both trust and with whom you have permission to honestly (and charitably) discuss your marriage.
Cultural Charity
Have you each been in a place where you can see the beauty of cultural differences? Are you prepared to help one another see the goodness and purpose in the place you’re moving toward? There will likely be things that drive you crazy about this new place. Are you prepared to remind each other of your gospel vision?
How Do You Trust Your Partner?
Life on the field will require you to rely on each other in unique ways as you partner together in the work God has called you to do. Consider the following as you think about working as partners in gospel work:
Evidenced Ecclesiology
Can you both define what a church is, and are you both growing in your love for it?
Doctrinal Alignment
You don’t need advanced degrees in theology, but the mission field is no place to realize that your understanding of sin or salvation is substantially different than your spouse.
Hospitable Home
Whether big or small, impressive, or meager, have you learned to use your home for hospitality and not only as a fortress of solitude?
Intentionally evaluating the health of your marriage is an important step in preparing to go to the field. The health of your relationship will affect you, your children, your teammates, and potentially the strength of your gospel witness. May we faithfully tend to our marriages, recognize our weaknesses, and turn our eyes to Christ. We can trust him to faithfully shepherd us as we move forward in faith…on the same team.
Kim Seville is the Women’s Care & Counseling Lead for Frontlines Ministries. She holds a Master’s Degree in Biblical Counseling from Dallas Theological Seminary. She is married to Jason and they have four daughters and one son. In 2014, their family moved to East Asia so that Jason could pastor a church in that part of the world. They returned in 2020 and currently live in Alexandria, VA, where Jason pastors at Del Ray Baptist Church.
