The Difference Jesus Makes in Children and Parents

Well, if you have a Bible and I hope you or somebody around you does that you can look on with, let me invite you to open with me to Colossians 3. Today we’re going to see how Jesus totally transforms parenting, what it means to be a parent and a child. Now I want to start similar to how I did last week with more data and a few more disclaimers. So first, the data. There is no question that much like marriage is under attack in our culture, the relationships between parents and children are also under attack. I heard just this week about how here in Virginia various schools and counties where our church family resides have practices in place where children can transition, so to speak, their gender with the support of the school without parents even knowing about it. There’s actually a vote this Wednesday for parental involvement in this issue to be reinstated and affirmed from the schools.

So I want to encourage members of our church who are in Virginia to find out more about that, how you can work for justice in this area on behalf of children and parents. At the same time, much like I mentioned last week, I also want us to see some data about how we are approaching children and parents even in the church. And according to research from Barna, more than 90% of parents have no plan for their children’s spiritual development. More than nine out of 10 have no specific plan for their children’s spiritual development, which just begs the question from the very beginning of this gathering and looking at this word today as a parent, if you are a parent, do you have a specific intentional plan for your children’s spiritual development?

And then Barna found out that out of parents who specifically profess to be followers of Jesus, only about half of them believed in the spiritual development of their children is their responsibility. Only about half of Christian parents believe they’re primarily responsible for the spiritual development of their children. And then the last piece of data that stuck out to me in this Barna research is that most parents, including Christian parents, believe the spiritual development of their children’s life is less important than their children doing well in school, sports or relationships. And all of this data, and I could share much more, shouts we desperately need to hear what God says about parenting and children in our culture and in the church. 

Which then leads to the disclaimers. So one is actually more of a reminder and encouragement that this word from God we’re about to hear is for all of us. So every one of us has experience as a child and/or a parent. So if for example, you’re an adult without children, don’t think, well, this word doesn’t apply to me. It’s just parenting so I’m just going to kind of tune out. Because this word from God affects all of us. Our Bible reading this morning in Psalm 89 talked about how we all work to pass the gospel on to the next generation, which means we build up parents and children together from all of our perspectives as a church family.

So this involves all of us. Which leads to the second disclaimer that, again, is much like I mentioned last week, we all have different perspectives that we bring to the table as children and/or parents. And there is no way in the time we have together today that I would be able to address every single circumstance and situation represented with every single child and parent in this gathering. There are children in this gathering who have a variety of different relationships with their parents, and there are parents in this gathering who are walking through a variety of different situations with their children. I couldn’t even begin to address for those who have multiple children, the different situations you’re walking through with each of your children. And some of you’re doing so alone as a single parent. Or to go back to what we talked about last week, some of you were doing parenting on top of strains in marriage, and many of you, I know, are just tired. Part of me wants to just spend the rest of our time just encouraging all of us parents and children alike just not to give up.

But there’s no way I can speak to every single one of those circumstances. And on top of that, we’re only going to look at two verses in the Bible, which means we’re not about to see an exhaustive explanation of everything we need to understand about childhood and parenting. So what we’re going to do is exactly what we did last week with two verses. We’re just going to soak them in. Every single word and phrase. We’re going to hear what God is saying and then my hope, my prayer is, to give you some practical handles to process alone with God and then in your families and in our church family with each other, with God’s word as our foundation.

Which leads the last disclaimer I had mentioned. I want to be clear, I am guessing you already know this, but I just want to make sure we’re all on the same page.

I am no parenting guru. This is not a parenting seminar. And my six kids can testify to the reality that I am not a perfect parent. So I’m on a journey with every other parent in this room and in the Psalm 88 kind of way, I’m crying out day and night for wisdom and strength and help from God to love my kids well. So parents in this gathering, we’re in this together. And I’m not presuming to step on the stage with all the answers. I’m only stepping on the stage with the word of God, which I know is what we all need.

More than we need a parenting guru or even a parenting seminar, we need to hear from the God who makes us children, who makes us parents, and by his grace tells us how to experience abundant life as children and as parents. So let’s listen to this part of God’s word that addresses parenting, two verses in Colossians 3:20-21. This is the word of God. “Children obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord. Fathers do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged.

Okay, let’s soak in every word and phrase here from God. Children, likely a reference to those who are still in their parents’ homes or dependent on their parents’ care. Although, and we’ll talk about this relationship with children between parents and children obviously changes over time, even beyond that in a way that never takes away that relationship. But there’s a command here for children, particularly those in their homes, depending on their parents’ care, to, one command, obey. And the word there in the original language carries the idea of both listening to and doing what your parents say.

So listen to your parents in the words of Proverbs 1:8-9 “Hear my son, your father’s instruction. Forsake not your mother’s teaching. They are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.” So here, listen. And then the reason this word is translated obey in the English is because it carries the idea of you will do what you hear in everything. How about those two words? Now obviously we know and we talked about this last week, how only God has absolute authority over our lives. So if a parent tells you to do something that goes against the word of God, you should not do it.

But apart from that, God is telling children to obey their parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. That’s interesting. There’s something beyond even just your parents in this picture. Obey your parents, not ultimately to please them, but ultimately to please God, listen to and obey what your parents say in everything because not just because you’re accountable to them, but because you are accountable to God. This is God’s word to children, teenagers, students in this gathering, obey your parents because God’s saying “To disobey them would be to disobey me.” So that’s very different from what children, students, teenagers here in this culture that says, whatever you believe or feel is best for you, that’s what you should do. And God’s saying that’s not true. God is saying, “I’ve put a good authority in your life, in your mom or dad. Unless they’re telling you to do something that goes against my word, to disobey them is to disobey me.”

And like every other command God gives us, he’s saying this will be good for you. Ephesians 6 makes this explicit. “Children obey your parents same command in the Lord, for this is right, honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise so that,” there’s a purpose here, “it may go well with you.” This command comes with a promise. “I guarantee you will not regret honoring and obeying your parents. It will go well with you when you do, it will be good for you.”

Which then leads us to, okay, parents. Now specifically it says fathers here. It’s interesting, the same word that’s used here in the original language of the New Testament is used in Hebrews 11:23, and it’s translated parents there. So it can refer to parents in general or fathers specifically as the head of a family. And there are a couple of things I think we need to point out here that are clearly implied. One is that children need parents, fathers, to obey for their good. So let’s just soak that in for a minute and remember that there are many children in our community who have a need for parents who are working for their good.

I had just saw recent numbers in Fairfax County this last week, that they have the highest number of children in foster care that they have ever had right now, including some in need of adoption right now. And that’s true across all the counties represented in our church family. And I know that we are experiencing challenges in various counties across our church family with this government system. But let’s keep working to care for children in need of homes. This is true religion brothers and sisters. So I want to keep that before us calling us to this. Go to Mcleanbible.org/foster, reach out to leaders at your location and act. There are children in need of parents right around us today who are working for their good and helping promote their good.

So that’s one clear implication from this passage. And then another implication that I trust is obvious, but let me, I’ve drawn all over this thing. I cleared this up. All right, I trust this is obvious, but parents, if children have been commanded to obey, then that means parents are expected to teach children to obey. I think that’s pretty obvious, but it’s worth pointing out in our day because parents, you have not been commanded in God’s word to obey your children. You have not been commanded by God to do whatever they tell you to do.

Parents, you and I have a responsibility from God to teach our children to obey. Otherwise they won’t be pleasing to him and it will not go well with them. And again, I know what I’m about to say is obvious, but think about this with me. Children need to learn to obey their parents before they can ever read this command. So parents, before your child can read, they need to learn to obey your voice.

In everything, including the little things. So if you and I, I include myself in this as a dad to teenagers down to a toddler, if we let our children ignore our voice in various things for any number of reasons, because it’s not that big a deal, because we’re just tired, we don’t feel like disciplining, so they disobey and we don’t do anything or they wait until the second or the third or the fourth time before we say something, we get really mad, then they obey. If we do this, we are not caring for our children and it will not go well for them.

Look at Proverbs 13:24. “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” So this is diligence, this is work, but it’s loving work to discipline children because if we don’t do this, we hate our children. So this is loving work that leads to pleasing the Lord.

And this is for their good, and it’s critical to things going well for them. We keep seeing this over and over, for them for them to learn to obey their parents in everything the first time and to experience discipline when they don’t do that. So clear, gentle, consistent, self-controlled, caring, loving discipline is necessary for children to learn to obey their parents in everything. So God is saying in this text, I’ll write it out here, “Do not,” so this is to parents, “Do not abdicate this responsibility.” You and I have a responsibility to teach children to obey. And at the same time, do not abuse this authority.

So that’s what’s really interesting about what the Bible then says in verse 21. “Do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged.” So apparently there is a wrong way to require obedience. Isn’t it interesting, out of all the things the Bible could say at this point about parenting, God says, “Don’t provoke your children to discouragement.” And this word means more than just not liking discipline. No child delights in discipline when they’re receiving it. The Bible actually says this, Hebrews 12:11, “For the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant.” So the Bible’s not saying if your child is disappointed by your discipline, you’ve done something wrong. Children, you do not have a license to say, “I’m discouraged by this punishment. Therefore, the Bible says, you should not do it.” Look at the rest of the verse. Nobody likes it in the moment, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

So the goal of good discipline is later to lead to peaceful fruit of righteousness. So back to Colossians 3, the goal of good discipline is to lead to a child’s encouragement, not discouragement in the long run.

So God is serious about parents loving children in a way that builds them up, not brings them down. That’s why Ephesians 6:4 says, similar language fathers, “Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up.” Build them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

So let’s just meditate on this for a minute. Let’s think of all the ways, so practical ways that a parent’s discipline could bring them down or lead to their discouragement. Let’s just think about this for a minute practically. If a parent is belittling to a child in a way that a child feels inferior or if a parent is nagging to the point where a child feels like they can never do anything right, similar to that would be perpetual fault-finding. A parent almost looking for the next thing a child is going to do wrong, just waiting for them to do something wrong.

Or if a parent disciplines a child in a way that is shaming to them. I was doing my uncle’s funeral a little over a week ago. One of my cousins said, “My dad was clear with rules and boundaries, but when we messed up, he never shamed us.” That’s a good word. Or not just shaming, if discipline is embarrassing, particularly in front of others, that can take the spirit out of a child. Similarly, if discipline is harsh with a biting tone, it can have the same effect. Or discipline that is inconsistent so that a child never knows whether or not she or he may or may not receive discipline. Or impulsive lacking patience or lacking self-control. Or discipline that’s impossible, meaning a child can’t actually do what a parent is telling them to do. That would be discouraging. A few more. Discipline that leads to discouragement could include demands without discernment, meaning constantly telling children to do something, all kinds of things, but never really thinking through. Is that best? Do I need to command that? Is that necessary?

Or it could be anger without affection. So yes, there’s a righteous self-controlled anger. Anger that springs from love, but there’s also an unrighteous out of control, anger, even temper, that lacks love. Two more. Think about discipline that is devoid of shepherding the heart, meaning it’s just focused on outward obedience instead of taking time to shepherd what’s going on in the inside of a child’s heart. And then what about discipline that’s disconnected from gospel grace? Titus 2:11-13 talks about how the grace of God is what trains us to obey God. Surely that’s the same for parenting.

God disciplines us, trains us with grace. So are we pointing children, yes to the seriousness of sin, but also to the wonder of grace to their and our need for a savior and God’s willingness and to forgive all who trust in Jesus.

And this is the point of parenting, right? To point children to the love of God as their Heavenly Father.

That’s our responsibility, to reflect him, which then leads us, okay, let’s come back to Colossians 3:20-21, what if we turn this word around so the negative is clear. Do not provoke your children so they become discouraged in ways that takes the spirit out of them. The positive though is clearly implied here. Do provoke them in a way that leads to their what? In a way that leads to their encouragement. Do discipline them in a way that leads to their encouragement, to putting the spirit in them. So let’s just think, all right, what’s the opposite of discouragement in God’s Word? And here’s some things I think we see all over God’s Word: opposite of being discouraged would be being hopeful. Discouraged children don’t have hope. Encouraged children have hope. Opposite would be happy, discouraged children live in a sad state, encouraged children are happy.

Opposite of being discouraged might be confident, right? Discouraged children lack confidence. And the opposite of being discouraged certainly includes having courage put into you, encourage. And all this makes sense when you look at those words. Makes sense when we think about building or bringing children up instead of knocking or bringing children down. But, now this is so key, don’t miss this, if all the Bible is saying here is parents build your children up so that they’re hopeful and happy and confident and courageous. We would simply have at this point what the world says about parenting, right? Every decent parent in the world would say, “I want those things for my kid.” But here’s the difference. The difference is where we point our kids to for their hope and their happiness. And their confidence and their courage.

Because follow this, the world says hope and happiness are found in money and popularity and education and a good degree and a nice job and a comfortable life fulfilling the American Dream. You know what that leads to? It leads to parenting that’s primarily focused on helping your kids get the best grades, be the best at sports or music or whatever. So they can build the best resume they can get in the best college. They can get the best degree so they can have the best job, so they can make the most money so they can have their best life now. So we teach our kids and our parenting to run after all these things. And along the way, 90 plus percent of us hardly even think about their spiritual development.

Maybe we say we’ll drop them off at church to let somebody else take care of that and the results are disastrous. And one day our sons and daughters are going to stand empty before God and all the things we’ve told them are most important and encourage them to give their lives too are going to burn up in the fire and we will have led them to that point. If we raise our children to be great doctors, lawyers, business leaders, athletes, musicians, entrepreneurs, but we do not train them to worship and walk with God, we have missed the entire point of parenting. We have led them to a hope that will not hold and to happiness that will not last. It is not loving for them. You see, how’s God’s directions on parenting are very different from the world. The world says teach your children to have confidence in themselves. God’s Word says no. Success is found in teaching children to die to themselves.

And to die to sin, to the ways of this world and to live with confidence in God and his word and his ways for their lives.

This world says, have courage to do whatever you want in this world. God says, no. Have courage to live for a totally different world.

Knowing that will mean courage to go against the grain of this world.

Parents, listen closely to God in Psalm 78 from our Bible reading last week. “We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, His might, the wonders He has done.” He established a testimony in Jacob, appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach to their children, that the next generation might know them, the children get on board and arise and tell them to their children so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments.

And that they should not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation. A generation whose heart was not steadfast, whose spirit was not faithful to God. To every parent in this gathering, you absolutely need a specific intentional plan for the spiritual development of your children. You need at the center of your home and the height of your priorities an intentional specific plan to teach your children to hope in God, to know his works and to keep his commandments. And notice this, that they should not be like their fathers. Psalm 78 says, don’t miss this, children need examples of faithfulness in their fathers and their mothers because children will rarely be what they do not see.

Which means children need to see what hope in God and happiness in God and confidence in God and courage with God look like in their parents. So dads, what are your children seeing in you? Do they see you hoping in money or your possessions or your career or hoping in God?

Where did they see you happiest? Do they see you engaged or excited at sporting events and then bored or disinterested in worship? Do they see you finding your deepest happiness in the worship of God and walking with God? Do they see you confident in your self, asserting yourself? Or dad, do they see you humbly bowing on your knees, on your face, before God?

Moms, do your children see you facing the worries of this world with confidence in God? Do they see in you what Proverbs 31 describes in the woman who laughs at the future because she knows no matter what happens, God himself is with her and for her?

Do your children see you courageous in this world, unfazed by what others may think about you not looking to what others say about you because your eyes are so fixed on what God thinks and what God says about you?

Moms and dads, do your children see you courageously, boldly, sharing the gospel and going against the grain of this world with faith in God’s word? And this is where we realize, parents, what your children, what my children, what our children most need from us is our closeness to God, period.

More than we need a parenting seminar or a parenting guru, we need to look like Jesus.

They need us hoping in God, pursuing happiness in God, confident in God, and living and parenting with courage, knowing God is with us and for us and for our kids.

So to every child in this gathering, I invite you to trust in Jesus today and to every parent in this gathering, I invite you to trust in Jesus today with your life. If you’ve not trusted Jesus to fill that God-sized hole in your heart, trust in him with your life and to trust in him with your kids. No parent in this room has done it all right. And we all have different regrets for things we wish we’ve done differently. I invite you, I love what Matt was just saying, go to Jesus with those things and trust in him. Not only for his grace to cover the past, but for his grace to help you in the present, to be the parent he’s calling you to be today.

Whether that’s for young children or grown children, to live, to point them to Jesus today, trusting that they are ultimately in his hands. Which leads to every single person in this gathering, not just children, parents. We have all sinned against God in a way that separates us from him in a way that Joanna described, road that leads to eternal judgment. But don’t miss it. Put it all together. God loves us so much. He sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross to pay the price for our sins to rise from the dead in victory over sin so that anyone who turns from their sin and themselves and trusts in Jesus as Savior and Lord will be forgiven of their sin. And, watch this, restored to relationship with God as your father.

As your Father. You can know God as Father.

So for every person in this gathering, your greatest need is to become a child of God and then to live as a child of God. So I want to give us all a couple minutes to reflect on all of this, and I’ll put it this way, what are two or three practical ways that God is leading you, calling you, to respond to this word today? So for some of you, like we just mentioned, God’s calling you to trust in Jesus today, become his child today. Then specifically for children, what are two or three practical ways God’s calling you to honor and obey your parent or parents more faithfully? Or parents, what are two or three practical ways God’s calling you to love your children more faithfully? And again, for those of you who may not be in a home with a parent or may not have children, what are two or three practical ways God’s calling you to respond to this word today for the good of children, for the good of parents around you?

Observation: What does this passage say?

1. Read Colossians 3:20–21 aloud as a group. Let group members share observations. Try not to move into interpretation of the passage or application of what you read quite yet. Simply share what you observe.

• • How does verse 20 qualify a child’s obedience?
  • What are fathers commanded in verse 21? 
  • What would be “discouraging” in the context of verses 20-21?
  • How would you summarize Colossians 3:20-21 in your own words?

Interpretation: What does the passage mean?

1) Read Colossians 3:20, Proverbs 1:8–9, and Ephesians 6:1–3

• • The Greek word for “obey” used here is hupakuou (hoop-ak-OO-o). Using a Bible Concordance, what does obey mean with regard to children in this passage?
  • What does it mean that children should obey their parents because it pleases the Lord?
  • What is biblical obedience as exemplified by Jesus?
  • Why does God call children to obey their parents?

2) Read Colossians 3:21, Proverbs 13:24, Ephesians 6:4, and Psalm 78:4-8

• • The Greek word for “provoke” used here is the word erethizo (er-eth-ID-zo). Using a Bible Concordance, what does provoke mean in this passage?
  • What does it mean that fathers should not provoke their children and how can this provocation be discouraging?
  • What is biblical encouragement as exemplified by Jesus?
  • Why does God call fathers to encourage their children?

Application: How can we apply this passage to our lives?

1) Be Obedient:

• • How are or how were you obedient as a child to your parents?
  • How does discipline lead to righteousness? (See Hebrews 12:11) 
  • In what specific ways do you please God with your child-like obedience?
  • How does the world try to call you away from child-like obedience?
  • How would the world know that you are listening under the authority of Jesus?
  • How can your Church Group support you as you practice child-like ‘obedience, to please the Lord?’

2) Be Encouraging:

• • How could you discipline children or others gracefully without provoking them? (See Titus 2:11-13)
  • How would others see that your focus is on Jesus and not on the things of the world?
  • How are you encouraging children and others with Jesus’ example through your words?
  • How are you encouraging children and others with Jesus’ example through your actions?
  • How would the example of your life be seen by others?
  • How can your Church Group pray for you as you live to be an encouragement to children and others?

Colossians 3:20–21

20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Sermon Recap

• Things children SHOULD do:
  • Listen to parents.
  • Honor and obey parents.
• Things parents SHOULD NOT do:
  • Do not abdicate parental responsibility.
  • Do not abuse parental authority.
  • Do not provoke children by belittling, nagging, perpetual fault-finding, shaming, inconsistently disciplining, making demands without discernment, showing anger without affection, leading without a shepherd’s heart, and being disconnected from gospel grace.
• Things parents SHOULD do.
  • Be hopeful.
  • Be happy.
  • Be confident.
  • Be courageous.
• Children will rarely be what they cannot see. Children need to see what hope in God, happiness in God, confidence in God, and courage with God look like in their parents.