Divorce and Discipleship

If you have a Bible, and I hope you do, turn with me to Matthew 19. Today we come to a text that is filled with practical application for our lives. This chapter in the book of Matthew hits on issues that we could cover for weeks, if not months, issues that are front and center in our lives, our marriages, our families, our church, and our culture. Divorce: Just about every person in this room, if not every single person in this room, has been affected in some way or another by divorce in our lives, our families, among friends, and in the church.

Few things are more painful than divorce, and its prevalence in and effect on our culture cannot be overestimated.

So the beginning of Matthew 19 deals with Jesus teaching on divorce, and then by the end, we see Jesus addressing materialism, which is a huge issue for us in this room. We in this room who are among the richest people to ever walk on planet earth. We are engulfed in things, and the desire for more things. We are living extremely wealthy lives compared to the rest of the world. So at the beginning of Matthew 19, Jesus addresses divorce, and at the end of Matthew 19, Jesus addresses materialism.

And then, as if that’s not enough for one chapter, as we’re going to see, this chapter touches (ever so slightly) on what happens to children when they die. When people ask me, “Pastor, what happens to an infant, or a child, who dies before they have the capability of grasping the gospel?” Matthew 19 is one text, among others, that I will point them to.

So, all of that to say, we’ve got some major issues to address in this text. And, obviously, we’re not going to be able to cover them exhaustively, so we have put up a page on our website that will take you to further information on each of these topics. We’ve put our elders statement on divorce on that page from a couple of years ago. We’ve put an article I wrote a few years ago on what happens to children when they die. And then we’ve put links to a few different sermons on the gospel and materialism based on the story of the rich young ruler. So those are there, as well. All of that simply if you want to go further.

But this morning, as we read through this text, I want you to simply see how the gospel comes to bear on each of these important issues in our lives. So let’s start by reading the first section, Matthew 19:1–12.

Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.

And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”

Let’s pray. Father, we come to this text as people in need. I know that sitting before me now are men and women who have personally experienced the pain of divorce, and I pray that your Word would comfort them. I know that there are likely men and women who have been considering divorce, and I pray that this morning your Word would confront them with truth and grace. Oh God, there are so many circumstances represented in our lives this morning, so help us to hear from you. Apply the Word precisely to our hearts, we pray, as we consider issues like divorce and materialism and children and ultimately what it means to trust you. Teach us to trust you more today, as you apply the gospel to our hearts. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.

Matthew 19:1–12 teaches about the gospel and divorce …

Okay, the gospel and divorce. An issue we must consider with care in the church and with confidence amidst our culture. Few times in history has it been so easy to leave one’s commitment to marriage. All you need is a statement of irreconcilable differences. You can get divorced online cheaply, quickly, without even leaving your computer.

And far too often, we practically ignore this issue in the church. We insulate ourselves, and we isolate one another. We struggle to know how to walk alongside brothers and sisters who are considering divorce or have been divorced. And as a result, Christians oftentimes go running to court to address marital conflict when we should be running to the church. If a Christian today is contemplating divorce, the first person they often contact is a divorce lawyer, which then leads to divorce court. And I’m not advocating disobedience to civil law in any such case, but based on 1 Corinthians 5 and 1 Corinthians 6 (“If any of you has a dispute with one another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints? One brother goes to law against another—and this in front of unbelievers!”) and Matthew 18, which we looked at last week, disputes between Christian husbands and wives are intended to be addressed in the church with each other in the body.

We share life with each other, and among married couples, this inevitably involves sharing marital struggles with one another. And authentic biblical community is intended to provide a nurturing environment for all sorts of conflict in our lives, including marital conflict. This is yet one more reason why we encourage everyone to be involved in a small group where we can all walk together, honestly, lovingly, through inevitable conflict and struggle in our lives and families.

For far too often, we as the church have sat back, abdicated our biblical responsibilities, and watched the state take over the institution of marriage in such a way that the church is hardly involved at all. This is wrong, and it desperately needs to change. While I have great

respect and I thank God for men and women who work in the legal profession, we should not let lawyers or judges determine the fate of our families when that kind of conflict can and should clearly be handled in the church. 1 Corinthians 6: Don’t take your Christian brother or sister to court like that. It discredits the testimony of the church and disgraces the name of Christ. What are we saying to an increasingly secular court system when half of the divorce cases they are dealing with involve two supposed Christians? At the same time – – side note here — in a day where some lawyers are making it as simple as possible to get a divorce, I urge any person involved in building their career on making divorce cheap and easy to repent and seek the forgiveness of God for scorning His design for the glory of Christ in marriage.

So how does the gospel relate to divorce, and what does the Bible teach about divorce, and how does that affect the way we approach divorce in the church? And this is where I want to remind you that we as a church have a twofold responsibility in addressing divorce. They’re not in your notes, but they’re important. So one, when it comes to divorce, we as the church comfort one another with love. God calls us to be a faith family to come alongside divorced persons to stand by them and help them find joy and forgiveness, strength and healing in Christ. God calls us to stand by and uphold children of divorce. And God calls us to come alongside each other in marital difficulties so that when a brother or sister is contemplating divorce, we don’t isolate them or ignore their issue. Instead, we weep with them and we serve them and we point them to the ever-constant presence of God and the ever-faithful Word of God.

So we comfort one another with love in the middle of painful circumstances or memories, and at the same time, we comfort one another with love and with truth. We want to be careful to comfort, but we don’t want to comfort with falsehood; that would be no comfort at all. We want to avoid saying what feels best in divorce situations or possibly even twisting what Scripture says to make it fit what a struggling husband or wife wants to hear.

That is unloving and deceptive, and though it may seem to have benefits in the short-term, it has disastrous consequences in the long-term. We have a responsibility in love to communicate to each other what Scripture says about divorce, which may be the more difficult path in the short-term, but in the long-term, we trust that this will produce countless blessings for future generations. So comforting with love and confronting with truth — I pray that both will be evident in this faith family when it comes to divorce.

We are a community of faith, and when a couple in this community is contemplating divorce, we cannot isolate them or ignore their struggles. We are members of one body that we might love each other, care for each other, and build one another up in Christ. If we sit back and do nothing, we leave our brother and sister to walk their journey alone. If we comfort but we don’t share truth, we deceive one another. If we confront but don’t comfort, we only harden one another’s hearts. We must do both, and we must take responsibility for each other’s growth in Christ for the glory of God in our lives and His church.

Matthew 19:1–12 teaches us God created marriage.

So with that setup, I pray in a spirit of comfort and love and grace and mercy, let’s consider truth from the mouth of Jesus about marriage and divorce. Here are four truths I want to show you based on Matthew 19 as well as other teaching in Scripture on divorce. Number one, God created marriage. This is where Jesus begins to talk about divorce. Verse 4, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.” Jesus says, very clearly, “Marriage is defined by God.” He authored it, He designed it, and therefore He defines it. A huge issue in our culture, by the way, that is seeking to redefine what only God has the prerogative to define. The one-flesh union of a man and a woman in wholehearted, mutual, lifelong clinging to one another.

And then Jesus says, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” In other words. Only God can make marriage and only God can break marriage. One author of numerous books on biblical counseling wrote:

If marriage were of human origin, then human beings would have a right to set it aside. But since God instituted marriage, only He has the right to do so. Marriage as an institution (which includes individual marriages, of course) is subject to the rules and regulations set down by God. Individuals may marry, be divorced and be remarried only if, when and how He says they may without sinning. The state has been given the task of keeping orderly records, etc., but it has no right (or competence) to determine the rules for marriage and for divorce; that prerogative is God’s.

And it’s not just the state that lacks the right and competence to define marriage, but we all lack the right and competence to determine the rules for marriage and divorce. And this must be the starting point for any discussion of divorce. We must be willing to submit our lives and our church to God’s Word on marriage and divorce. He defines it.

Marriage is defined by God, and marriage is a covenant under God. A covenant between a man and a woman that is a reflection of God’s covenant-keeping nature. Marriage is a demonstration to the world of Christ’s covenant with His people. We don’t have time to turn there now, but you remember Ephesians 5:22–33, where Paul refers to the divine institution of marriage to remind us that God created marriage, from the very beginning, to be a depiction of Christ’s love for His church. That’s the purpose of marriage!

So think about it: If marriage is designed by God to mirror Christ’s love for us, then as long as Christ is faithful to His bride, husbands must be faithful to their brides. On the day that Christ discards His church, then a man can divorce his wife. But that won’t happen, and marriage is designed to show that it won’t happen. So, feel the weight of this. From the beginning, God created marriage. He has defined it, and He has designed it for a reason: As a reflection of His loving covenant with His people through His Son. What God has joined together, let not man separate.

Matthew 19:1–12 teaches us God hates divorce.

This leads to the second truth: God hates divorce. Now I’m using language here that is echoed in the book right before Matthew in the Bible: Malachi. Malachi 2:16 says, “The Lord, the God of Israel, says that he hates divorce.” And it makes sense. If God created marriage to be the union of a man and a woman, then divorce is fundamentally at odds with His purpose in creation.

That leads us to the questions that these Pharisees ask Jesus about Moses, and then Jesus’ response to them. The Pharisees, in verse 7, point to allowances for divorce with Moses way back in the Old Testament, and Jesus tells them that these allowances were made to address sin – hardness of heart – but that was definitively not God’s original design. And the point here is clear: Divorce is always a result of sin. Sin causes divorce. Remember that marriage is the uniting of two dreadful sinners — not just one, but two — and every husband and wife needs to remember this. In almost any marital conflict, there are obviously two sides to the story, and while there are situations (many of them) where clearly more fault lies on one side than another, the fact still remains: Both are sinners, and any divorce is a result of sin.

Divorce is always a result of sin, and divorce is almost always sinful. Not always, because, as we’re about to see, there seem to be allowances for divorce in narrow circumstances according to Matthew 19:9 and 1 Corinthians 7, which I’ll mention. In these cases, divorce is not necessarily sinful, but these cases are extremely limited. And outside of these exceptions, all other divorces are indeed sinful and disobey and dishonor God. So the overarching truth here is clear: God hates divorce and the sin that causes it.

Matthew 19:1–12 teaches us God regulates divorce.

Yet as a result of sin, third truth, God regulates divorce. This means that, though divorce was not a part of God’s plan for marriage, passages like Deuteronomy 24, Matthew 19, and 1 Corinthians 7 all make clear that the Bible acknowledges the reality of divorce, and in these texts God gives us certain regulations concerning divorce. Regulations, not suggestions. This is not God giving us truths that are open to be added to or taken away from by pastors, counselors, lawyers, or anyone else in the twenty-first century. God is not giving us optional suggestions to be considered; He is giving us non-negotiable commands to be obeyed. God is saying, “These are the only biblical grounds for divorce.”

And even these grounds are debated among Bible-believing preachers and pastors and scholars. There are some pastors I deeply respect who would not even go as far as I (and our elders) have gone on this. So I need to put that out there. But after much study in the Word, Scripture seems to point to two potential grounds for divorce: One here in Matthew 19 and the other in 1 Corinthians 7.

So here in Matthew 19, you have this conversation with these Pharisees. Now I mentioned earlier the quote from Deuteronomy 24 that the Pharisees put before Jesus, trying to trap him, because there were different schools of thought in first century Judaism about what might allow for divorce. One school of thought believed that a man could divorce his wife if she had committed any type of immodest behavior or sexual immorality. The other school of thought (the more dominant school of thought) interpreted Deuteronomy 24 much more broadly, saying that divorce was possible whenever a wife did anything displeasing to her husband, which basically led to men divorcing their wives for just about any reason. So that’s what these Pharisees are thinking, and Jesus says to them, “I say to you: Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” And in one sweeping statement, Jesus clearly narrows the allowance for divorce and offers one ground for divorce in Matthew 19: Adultery.

Now there’s some debate even about this, because the word for sexual immorality here is “porneia”, which is a word that is used to refer to all kinds of sexual sin in the Bible. Yet in the context of this passage, where Jesus just referred to the one-flesh union of marriage, the picture seems to be one of a spouse who violates that one-flesh union. That is a serious violation, not only against a spouse, but against God. Adultery in the Old Testament was punishable by stoning. Deuteronomy 22:22, “If a man is found lying with the wife of another man, both of them shall die.” “Both must be put to death,” Leviticus 20:10 says.

Proverbs 6:32, “He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself.”

Oh, let me pause here. I am sure that there are men and women here today who, in your mind, have flirted with adultery, thought about adultery, stepped an inch toward an adultery, maybe on the verge of adultery, maybe you’re involved in an adulterous relationship. If adultery is anywhere near you right now, I urge you to remember Proverbs 7. It is describing a man wandering after a woman not his wife:

With much seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth talk she compels him. All at once he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast till an arrow pierces its liver; as a bird rushes into a snare; he does not know that it will cost him his life. Sons, listen to me, and be attentive to the words of my mouth. Let not your heart turn aside to her ways; do not stray into her paths, for many a victim has she laid low, and all her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is the way to Sheol, going down to the chambers of death.

“Do not be deceived,” 1 Corinthians 6:9–10 pleads, “adulterers…will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Hebrews 13:4, “God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Revelation 21:8, “The sexually immoral…their [eternal] portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur.” Adultery, in defiance of God, places another person with the “one flesh” picture of marriage, and such sexual immorality is extremely serious, Jesus says, and it alone is grounds for divorce.

But notice that Jesus does not say divorce is certain or required in such situations. Instead, Jesus says, divorce is possible in this situation. You might think, “Well, it sounds like Jesus was lining up with the first school of thought among first century Jews.” But the reality is that they would have seen divorce as certain in cases of sexual immorality, but this is where we begin to see the radical implications of the gospel for divorce in Scripture. Jesus is approaching the possibility of divorce in a redemptive manner with a totally different perspective from these Pharisees.

They were searching for circumstances in which it would be possible for them to divorce, and Jesus is saying in His response that we are not looking for reasons to divorce. The goal is not to look at the letter of the law for a loophole that allows divorce, and we must not look at God’s Word this way today.

When it comes to divorce, we are not looking for reasons or justifications for divorce. Instead, we are longing for reconciliation to occur. Remember that this teaching in Matthew 19 comes right on the heels of the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 where Jesus taught His disciples to forgive extravagantly. And the implication is clear: Work toward reconciliation, pray toward redemption and restoration, not because it’s easy, but because Christ is in you. Oh, I thank God for marriages I know represented across this church that have been restored by God’s grace despite adultery. One ground for divorce in Matthew 19: Adultery — divorce is possible in this situation, but not inevitable because of the gospel.

And then, I wanted to put this in your notes and remind you of this even though it doesn’t deal directly with Matthew 19. Scripture does seem to point to one ground for divorce in 1 Corinthians 7: Abandonment. Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 is talking about marriage between a believer and an unbeliever, and he says, “If any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband.” So in other words, a believing spouse should not initiate divorce with an unbelieving spouse but should stay married and work/pray/love toward that unbelieving spouse’s salvation.

“But,” Paul continues, “if the unbelieving partner separated, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” In other words, if an unbelieving spouse chooses to abandon a believing spouse despite that believing spouse’s love for them, then divorce is preferable in this situation. In other words, don’t initiate that kind of divorce, but if it is force upon you by abandonment from an unbelieving spouse, then do not fight that. So two narrow biblical grounds for divorce: Adultery and abandonment.

Now there’s obviously many things that are not mentioned here, which has caused some to conclude that the Bible’s teaching is impractical or unrealistically narrow. But God is wise. He is not thinking, “If only I had thought more about what they would face in 21st Century America, I would have addressed these things more thoroughly.” God has spoken, and doubtless there are all sorts of other struggles that marriages will encounter, and it is not that God leaves us alone in those struggles to fend for ourselves. He has given us the church. He has given us church discipline and restoration to be the means by which we walk through pain and hurt and neglect and marital strife on various levels together. And when a brother or sister continues in sin against his or her spouse, we address that, with the gospel, in love and care, for that brother or sister. We address that seriously. Remember the manual on church discipline from the 2nd century that says: “If there is a man who is abusing his wife in the church, the pastor should take two stout elders and visit that home.” Yes, we address these things seriously, together.

Oh, do you see the importance of church membership? We’re not just sitting next to one another in a service. We’re sharing life with one another! See why we encourage every member of this body to be involved in a small group of relationships with others where we’re looking out for each other, caring for each other, supporting each other. And this includes looking out for each other’s marriages, caring for each other’s marriages, and supporting each other’s marriages.

This is one of the things that burdens me right now, and it goes back to what we were talking about last week when it comes to care for every individual member of the church. Because right now, it’s so easy to slip through the cracks, for a man and a woman to be a member of this church and to be unconnected/disconnected from community, and for that man or woman to begin to wander from their spouse. No, we need brothers and sisters surrounding every single marriage in this body, watching out for one another and guarding the sanctity and joy and covenant of marriage that is so precious to God and primary in the church. So the Bible gives these two exceptions for divorce, and any divorce outside of these grounds, God’s Word teaches, leads to adultery in remarriage.

The clear implication here is that remarriage is biblically permissible only for the offended spouse after a biblical divorce. And again, there are some biblical scholars and Bible believing pastors who would say that remarriage is not even permissible then. But it seems that Scripture is at the least implying that remarriage is permissible when divorce is permissible. Practically speaking, then, the non-adulterous spouse in the first exception for divorce and the Christian spouse in the second exception for divorce can remarry, according to these passages. And outside of this, if a man or woman divorces his or her spouse without biblical grounds for divorce, then he or she is not free to remarry. Such remarriage would be adulterous. The Bible is clear: Only people who have come out of biblical divorce can biblically re-marry with widows and widowers, of course, being the only other exception.

God redeems divorce.

God created marriage, God hates divorce, God regulates divorce as a result of sin in our hearts, and ultimately – fourth truth — God redeems divorce. I realize that this entire subject brings up old and new wounds to the surface, and I realize that these are tough words in Scripture for some to hear, but see why God addresses divorce like this. The reason God is so serious in His Word about our marriage covenants with each other is because He is so serious about His marriage covenant with us. So this is where I just want to remind you, particularly those of you who have experienced divorce, gone through the pain of divorce for a variety of reasons, know this: Christian, you are a part of the bride of Christ (men and women — His bride, His body).

And I want to remind you that Jesus is always forgiving and He is always faithful. Even if the marriage covenant in your life was broken in the past, know this: The ultimate marriage covenant is still firmly intact. Oh, amidst pain and hurt, gaze upon the God who picks you up where you are, not where you wish you were, where you thought you’d be, or where you think you should have been. He picks you up daily where you are, and He carries on His covenant of love with you. He will never commit adultery against you and He will never abandon you. No matter what happens in this world, Jesus never forsakes His bride – never.

Regardless of whether you have been married once or fifty times, as a follower of Christ, the reality is: You are His bride forever. This is the gospel.

And I realize that in saying that, I run the risk of some people who are contemplating divorce to think, “Well, then, I’ll divorce, even if it’s on unbiblical grounds, and God will forgive me,” which is a thought process that completely misses the gospel and deliberately dishonors God. But I’m willing to take that risk in order to say to divorced brothers and sisters: You have an Eternal Savior who is gracious and merciful and who is committed to sustaining and strengthening and satisfying you forever.

Practically …

So, practically, how does this play out? In the following encouragement, based upon truth, including the end of Matthew 19 here where Jesus talks about people who are single, maximize your singleness to advance the gospel. It’s interesting that in both Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7, we see Jesus and Paul commending singleness for the spread of God’s kingdom. It’s not that marriage is bad, but it is not best for all people. We live in a culture today that says you have to be married in order to live a complete life, but that is not true.

Jesus was the most complete man, most fully human person who ever lived, and He was not married. Many of the heroes of the New Testament and church history were not married. So if you are single, the takeaway from Matthew 19 is to maximize your singleness for the advancement of God’s kingdom.

At the same time, if you are married, love your spouse in a way that portrays the gospel. Oh, let Matthew 19 drive you, husband or wife, to love your spouse well today. Husbands, love your wives with sacrificial love and take responsibility for the glory of Christ in your marriage. Wives, respect your husbands and honor Christ through your gracious support of his leadership. If you are married and considering divorce, I urge you today to remember the preciousness and power of the gospel. If you are considering divorcing your husband or wife, I urge you to ask, first, if you have biblical grounds for divorce. If you don’t, I urge you to consider how in the context of your marriage, and possibly with the help of the church, you can resolve the conflict that is real and damaging right now in your marriage. That is only possible through the preciousness and power of the gospel, but any other route would be sinfully disobedient to God.

On the other hand, if you do have biblical grounds for divorce, I would still encourage you to consider the preciousness and power of the gospel with a view toward reconciliation in your marriage, possibly with the help of others in the church. Remember how precious the gospel is and how precious this picture of Christ’s love for His church is. And remember the power of the gospel. It can change even the hardest and darkest of hearts. So keep restoration and reconciliation at the forefront of your heart and mind, not by your own strength, but by the strength of Christ. Not with your own patience, but with the patience of Christ. Not because your husband or wife deserves your love, but because you have received the most undeserved love in Christ. If you are considering divorce, remember the preciousness and power of the gospel.

Fourth, if you are divorced for a biblical reason and single, rest in the gospel in your singleness or possibly in a future marriage. If you were divorced on biblical grounds, i.e., if you were the non-adulterous spouse in the first exception or the believing spouse in the second exception, then let this text encourage you to rest in the singleness God has given to you at this time. If God grants you continued singleness, we pray that by the power of the gospel He will enable you to rejoice in it. If, on the other hand, God leads you to remarry, display the love of Christ by the power of the gospel in your remarriage.

Fifth, if you are divorced for an unbiblical reason and single, repent and rely on the gospel to glorify God in your singleness. Repent of your sin to both God and to your former spouse. Then let the gospel of Christ give you great hope for a life that thrives in the advancement of the gospel as a single while you await the ultimate wedding where we will join Jesus together for all of eternity.

And finally, if you are divorced for an unbiblical reason and married, repent and reflect the gospel in your current marriage. If you divorced for unbiblical reasons, Scripture encourages you to repent genuinely before God and your former spouse. However, Scripture nowhere indicates that you should break another covenant marriage by divorcing again. Instead, Scripture encourages you to focus on magnifying Christ in the marriage you have now by the power of the gospel. Oh, a heavy, but an important issue. And we’re not going to get to the rest of this text today.

How can we apply this passage to our lives?

Question 1

Why is divorce an issue that has been ignored in the church?

Question 2

What does it mean for marriage to be a covenant under God?

Question 3

How is divorce always a result of sin?

Question 4

Which texts in Scripture explain divorce that is justifiable?

Question 5

How does God redeem divorce?